Hey Neuroninas,

You're watching or reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower and Paul Rudd is telling Charlie the infamous quote, "We accept the love we think we deserve." Now you're frozen reflecting on your exes, your situationships, and the one that got away. But what’s the truth behind that quote, and how can you sound like a smartass the next time you see a girl with that quote tattooed?

It all started with John Bowlby, a psychiatrist and psychoanalyst who focused on child development and attachment theory. He stated that infants must form close bonds with at least one primary caregiver to ensure survival and develop healthy emotional and social functioning. Mary Ainsworth, a developmental psychologist, conducted an experiment on infant-parent separations and identified three main attachment styles:

Secure attachment: Infants become upset when separated but are easily comforted when reunited with a caregiver.
Anxious-resistant attachment: Children show extreme distress upon separation and struggle to be soothed, often displaying mixed feelings toward the caregiver.
Avoidant attachment: These children appear emotionally distant, avoiding contact with their caregiver even after separation.

Researchers began recognizing that attachment styles continue into adulthood, affecting how we handle relationships and love.

Securely attached individuals: You have no issues trusting your partner, can communicate openly, and feel safe. You had caregivers who met your emotional needs and provided a secure and loving environment.
Anxious-resistant individuals: You might crave validation, overanalyze texts, or fear abandonment. You may have had caregivers who were inconsistent—the sometimes loving, sometimes distant which created an unpredictable environment. You were taught that love must be earned.
Avoidant individuals: You want love but push people away, struggling with vulnerability. As a child, you likely learned to self-soothe because your caregivers weren’t emotionally available. Love may have been rarely expressed or your parents encouraged you to “toughen up and quit crying,” discouraging vulnerability.

According to self-verification theory, we unconsciously seek relationships that confirm our self-views…even when those views are negative. If you believe deep down that you’re unworthy of love, you’ll be drawn to partners who reinforce that belief.

It also ties into intermittent reinforcement. If love in childhood was hot and cold, your brain got wired to chase unpredictable affection. This is why we cling to people who give us just enough love to keep us hoping.

Your childhood: A parent who was loving one day and emotionally unavailable the next. You never knew which version you’d get, so you kept trying to earn their affection.

Your dating life: You chase partners who breadcrumb you, waiting for those rare moments of validation. Even though, deep down, you know they won’t fully show up for you.

Next time you’re at brunch and someone flashes a “We accept the love we think we deserve” tattoo, hit them with this:

"Actually, that quote ties into attachment theory and self-verification bias. If someone grew up with inconsistent love, they unconsciously seek the same dynamic in adulthood, even if it hurts them. That’s why people get stuck in toxic cycles—because their brain mistakes familiarity for love. It’s classic intermittent reinforcement at play."

Break the cycle of believing you deserve negative love or repeating unhealthy patterns you observed in childhood. Recognize the harmful patterns, heal your inner child, set boundaries, and remember that true love is consistent, secure, and steady.

(easier said than done)

Don’t fact check me pls I’m just a girl 🥲

Works Cited

Bowlby, John. Attachment and Loss: Volume 1, Attachment. Basic Books, 1969.

Swann, W. B., Jr. (2012). Self-verification theory. In P. A. M. Van Lange, A. W. Kruglanski, & E. T. Higgins (Eds.), Handbook of theories of social psychology (pp. 23–42). Sage Publications Ltd. https://doi.org/10.4135/9781446249222.n27
Ainsworth, Mary D. Salter. Patterns of Attachment: A Psychological Study of the Strange Situation. Lawrence Erlbaum Associates, 1978.
Fraley, R. Chris. “Adult Attachment Theory and Research.” University of Illinois, https://labs.psychology.illinois.edu/~rcfraley/attachment.htm.
“How Attachment Styles Influence Romantic Relationships.” Columbia University Psychiatry, https://www.columbiapsychiatry.org/news/how-attachment-styles-influence-romantic-relationships.
“Co-Dependency in Intimate Relationships: A Learned Behaviour.” ResearchGate, https://www.researchgate.net/publication/342504976_CO-DEPENDENCY_IN_INTIMATE_RELATIONSHIP-A_LEARNED_BEHAVIOUR.
“Love Me, Love Me Not: The Power of Intermittent Reinforcement.” Psychology Today, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/life-after-50/201701/love-me-love-me-not.
“We Accept the Love We Think We Deserve.” Simply Psychology, https://www.simplypsychology.org/we-accept-the-love-we-think-we-deserve.html.

Neuroniñas

Thursday, April 3, 2025

We Accept the Love We Observed

Secure attachment: Infants become upset when separated but are easily comforted when reunited with a caregiver.

Anxious-resistant attachment: Children show extreme distress upon separation and struggle to be soothed, often displaying mixed feelings toward the caregiver.

Avoidant attachment: These children appear emotionally distant, avoiding contact with their caregiver even after separation.

Researchers began recognizing that attachment styles continue into adulthood, affecting how we handle relationships and love.

Securely attached individuals: You have no issues trusting your partner, can communicate openly, and feel safe. You had caregivers who met your emotional needs and provided a secure and loving environment.

Anxious-resistant individuals: You might crave validation, overanalyze texts, or fear abandonment. You may have had caregivers who were inconsistent—the sometimes loving, sometimes distant which created an unpredictable environment. You were taught that love must be earned.